“How very unlike seders past.”
That is all I could think about during last night’s Zoom seder, our family’s second. We came together dutifully, but “gallery view” revealed the truth: we were broken.
We will soon mark the first yahrzeit of my mother-in-law’s death, from Covid-19. She was the matriarch of the family. Seders were “produced, directed, and starring” Mimi. Her gatherings were a tour de force. The food was delectable and the timing impeccable. The family would tease her, and moan about her rigid ways, but she was the family mortar (forget haroset).
As fate would have it, my son and his girlfriend are also marking a first yahrzeit: their beloved friend Nicole. Dead from Covid-19 at 33. She was a rock star from the midwest who lit up a room, and who participated in family seders at my sister-in-law’s house. My SIL was passed the seder torch from Mimi when it became too daunting for her to handle. My son and his gf are grieving and I could see the pain etched in their gallant faces, as the couple sat on their Brooklyn couch for the Zoom session. My heart breaks for them.
My brother-in-law’s mother died of a horrible degenerative disease in late 2019, just months before Zoom seder #1 last year. Last night, the typically untethered guy, known for his Tourette-like outbursts of ribaldry, was strangely subdued. Diminished. Was it a passive-aggressive ploy? One could make the case, but I think not. I think he’s shot.
In fact, I think we all presented as “shot”, to varying degrees. We’ve soldiered on, but it’s been tough. Do I have to spell it out? Human loss. Job loss. Social loss. Health instability. In music theory terms, the last year+ has been a minor second. Sharp, unsettling, horror-movie stuff.
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We went through the motions, a cursory blast through the Haggadah. Then, instead of a tipsy meal of arguing (what that family considers “normal conversation”), we quickly hit our red “leave meeting” buttons and went about our individual activities. My son and his gf would digitally meet with friends to mourn.
No groaning board covered with haroset, gefilte fish and nostril-searing horseradish, brisket, asparagus, kugel, flourless chocolate cake, etc. etc.
My SIL made salmon.
My wife and I made a half brisket using Mimi’s recipe, earlier in the day. Hers is a garlicky, tomato sauce-based affair. The thing is this: Mimi would always braise it to collagen-laden succulence, then refrigerate it. The next day, she would remove the congealed fat, slice it, and gently reheat it with the sauce, all timed to the reading of the Haggadah with the grand dame’s precision.
So we didn’t eat the brisket last night. It’s on the docket for today’s early dinner. Along with asparagus. Today — a rainy, chilly day. A minor-second of a day.
Why was last night different from any other night? Now, you know.
